What Hurts the Most
by aumontalc
Summary: April talks to Jackson the day after Bailey's wedding.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters._

**A/N: I know that I haven't finished up Denied Affections, but I was so mad after I saw Thursday's episode that I had to write this story. I am not liking the direction that the writers are taking the Jackson/April story line. I love them, but I hate what their characters are turning into. I seriously wanted to slap Jackson through the TV. Sorry about the rant. Hope you enjoy the story:) **

* * *

"Did you get my message?" April asked as she walked to stand next to Jackson.

Jackson glanced up from his charting. "Umm, what message?" he asked.

"After the wedding, I texted you. I wanted us to get together and talk," April reminded him.

April stared at Jackson nervously. She had sent him the text yesterday after Bailey's wedding. Finding out that Dr. Webber's wife had died had made April realize just how short life truly was. Why was she wasting so much time when she already knew what she wanted? Who she wanted? Jackson had attended neither the ceremony nor the reception and she'd wanted to see him, to tell him how she was feeling so she had texted him and asked if he wanted to meet her somewhere. To be honest, she was hurt that he hadn't responded to her message last night. She had figured that he was still mad with her because of the whole "bringing a date" fiasco.

Jackson nodded. "I think I remember getting it now."

"Do you have a few minutes to talk now? It's kind of important."

"Sure," Jackson said.

"Here, I think this room is empty," said April, opening the door to an unoccupied on call room.

April was very well acquainted with this particular room. She and Jackson had spent a lot of their free time here over the last few months. The last time they had made love was in this room after Jackson had told her he was all in. That had been such a sweet and happy time so unlike the past few hellish weeks.

Jackson stood in the middle of the room looking bewildered and slightly agitated. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?" he asked.

April breathed inward and mentally steeled herself. Exhaling, she said, "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I'm sorry for the way I've handled our relationship, for the way I've treated you. I've made my guilt your guilt. I made the choice to sleep with you. I knew what I was doing. If I didn't want to disappoint God, I shouldn't have kept sleeping with you again and again. I realized that I didn't handle our pregnancy scare the best way either," April gulped. This part was the hardest to confess. "I realized later that the way I told you about the test results was really hurtful. I shouldn't have said what I did in the way that I did."

"It was your gut reaction. You don't want to be married or have kids right now. That's understandable."

The coolness of Jackson's words concerned April a little. Why was he being so calm about all of this? The times that she had tried to bring it up before he had quickly shut her down, not wanting to discuss it at all. Now, the subject barely seemed to faze him.

"I was scared. I get so worried about what other people might think, mainly my parents and my church back home. But, you know what? I'm done caring. I'm going to do what I think is best and right for my life."

"That's great April. Good for you," Jackson said, heading to the door. "Was that all you wanted to tell me? Because I've got patients I need to look after."

"Jackson, wait."

Jackson stopped at the door, his back turned to her. Maybe it would be easier to tell him this way. "Jackson, what I really want to say is I have feelings for you too," Jackson turned around and faced her, his expression blank. "You were right. The whole bringing a date thing was foolish. The whole time I just wanted to be with you. I know I have issues and I've never been in a real relationship before but what I feel for you I can't even put it into words. My whole heart is in your hands and it terrifies the living daylights out of me to feel this way. And I'm sorry that I've handled everything completely wrong. I haven't done or said any of the right things, but could you give us another chance? I promise things will be different this time."

Jackson's hand flew to his head, sweeping it back and forth. April smiled inwardly, knowing that was one of his nervous tics. Approaching him, she placed both of her hands on his cheeks. "Jackson, I want you. I think I'm starting to fall in love with you."

Jackson's hands covered her own and gently pushed them away. "April, I have to tell you something."

April's heart started thudding. The serious tone of his voice filled her with dread. This wasn't the way the situation had played in her head. After his proposal and admission of feelings, she had expected Jackson to be happy that she was finally admitting her own feelings for him, but Jackson didn't look happy. If she wasn't mistaken, she thought she read pity in his expression.

"April, I've started seeing someone else."

"Wh-what? Who?" April couldn't stop herself from asking.

Jackson flinched guiltily. "Stephanie, the intern" he answered.

"Oh," April winced. "Oh, that's why you didn't reply to my text. OK. I get it. I understand." April stopped herself before she went full on ramble. "I've got to go."

Jackson put out his hand to stop her. "April, I'm sorry. I still want to be your friend."

Stepping aside, April nodded, brushing a few tears from her face. "Yeah, sure," she said before leaving and heading to the ladies' room as quickly as possible.

* * *

Four months later...

"Did you see her ring?" Meredith asked. "It's huge, at least a carat."

"She's a surgeon, scrubbing in and out of surgeries. How often is she really going to wear that ring?" asked Cristina.

"Come on. It's just a ring. Who even cares?" asked Alex.

"It really is a gorgeous ring," Cristina admitted. Meredith nodded in agreement.

"Who are you guys talking about" Jackson asked as he sat down to eat lunch with Yang, Grey, and Karev. Grey and Karev looked at each other, then back down at their food.

Yang, not sensing or possibly not caring about the awkwardness of the situation, blurted, "April. She's engaged."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This might contain some spoilers. I've heard rumors but I'm not sure if they're true. Anyway if they are true I have blown them entirely out of proportion in order to fit my story. Also, thanks for all the reviews!**

"You're Jackson Avery, aren't you?" a middle aged woman with auburn hair asked, effectively stopping Jackson in his tracks. "April's friend from Mercy West?"

"Yes. You must be April's mom. Are you looking for her? Do you want me to have a nurse page her?"

"Thank you, but Joe and I'll be meeting her and Matt for lunch soon. How are you? I think the last time we saw you was right before the merger."

"Yeah, we went out for pizza with Percy and Reed. I'm doing well. How are you, Mrs. Kepner?"

"I'm fantastic. I'm excited about meeting my daughter's future husband. Although I must say this is all very sudden. We haven't even met him yet. What do you think? Is he a nice boy? Does he treat our April right?" Mrs. Kepner inquired.

Jackson frowned. He honestly couldn't answer that question. He really didn't know this Matt guy very well. He knew that he was a paramedic and that was about it. He and April didn't really talk anymore. He was dating Stephanie and she had started dating Matt about three months ago. When Yang had told him about her engagement, he'd been a little shocked to say the least. But he was happy for April. Even though they were no longer together, he still wanted her to find happiness.

"Yeah, he seems pretty nice. April has good taste. She wouldn't date somebody that wasn't a good person," Jackson told her parents.

"Glad you think I'm nice," said Matt as he walked up to April's parents and Jackson. "I'm Matt Stevens, April's fiancé. You must be April's parents. I've heard so much about you."

Matt Stevens towered over the Kepners as he shook their hands. At six foot three, he was even taller than Jackson's respectable six foot one. Classically handsome with dark brown hair and hazel eyes, he always had a ready smile for anyone and everyone. Considering April's naturally cheerful disposition, it was no surprise that they should be attracted to one another.

The few times Jackson had talked to the other man he'd never been that impressed with him. There was just something about Matt thatJackson didn't quite like. He couldn't put his finger on it. It could be how happy he was all the time or the fact that he literally whistled while he worked. Nobody was that happy. It just wasn't realistic.

"Mom! Dad! Sorry I'm late," April said as she swiftly walked over and gave her parents a hug. "I'm so glad to see you. Looks like you've already met Matt." Glancing coolly at Jackson, she asked, "Did you need something?"

"We saw him passing by in the hall and stopped to chat. We remember him from your Mercy West days. It's so great that you two trained to be doctors together. Jackson, why don't you have lunch with us? April has told us how you have been such a good friend to her over the years. The least we can do is buy you lunch," Karen Kepner said.

"I think Jackson has a surgery to do Mom."

He would never know what came over him but Jackson opened his mouth and replied, "Yes, I'd love to go to lunch with you. My surgery is not until 4 o'clock so I have plenty of time." Jackson's eyes bored defiantly into April's as dismissed her flimsy excuse.

Matt wrapped his arm around April's shoulders and pulled her to his side. The typically good natured man shot Jackson a look of warning. In a terse voice, he said, "Why don't we go to the Italian restaurant a couple blocks from here? We'll meet you there Avery?"

"See you there, bro."

* * *

Always a gentleman, Matt pulled out April's chair for her before taking his own seat next to her. The Kepners sat across from the young couple while Jackson was forced to sit at the head of the table in between April's dad and Matt. Not his ideal choice of seating.

The next thirty minutes was spent with the Kepners getting to know Matt. It was a bit reminiscent of the Spanish Inquisition. Jackson almost felt sorry for the guy. They asked about his childhood, his hobbies, his political affiliation, the church he attended and the list seemed to go on and on.

After the waiter served them their food, Joe Kepner stared straight into Matt's eyes and said what Jackson had been thinking for the past week, "This is all happening pretty fast, don't you think? You just started dating a few months ago and you're already planning a wedding for July?"

Matt turned to April and smiled, "When you know, you know. I love her, so much." Brushing April's hair from her shoulder, he asked, "Why wait to start the rest of our lives together?"

"But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. First Corinthians 7:9," Mrs. Kepner quoted with a grin spread across her face. "Her father and I were the same way. Our engagement was of a very short duration as well."

Swallowing his piece of bread down the wrong pipe, Jackson coughed. Four sets of eyes turned to him. Beating his chest, he held out his hand and said, "I'm fine. Just need some water."

"Sorry, Jackson. We're not exactly having an appropriate conversation for mixed company," April's mom apologized. "I'm just so happy that April is finally going to be married. She's waited long enough. I was beginning to wonder if she would die a virgin. Matt will make sure that won't happen though."

Another fit of coughs threatened to attack Jackson but he managed to stifle them this time. Had April really not told her mom about him? About the nature of their relationship? She'd been so gung ho about the whole revirginizing thing he had assumed her whole family was in on it. Apparently not. Another thought popped into his head. Did Matt think she was still a virgin?

Mrs. Kepner reached across the table and squeezed her daughter's hand. "See? Didn't I tell you? The LORD rewards those who follow His way. You have a fine young man who wants to marry you. Was Matt not well worth the wait?"

April's eyes flickered to Jackson's and she bent her head down guiltily while her parents engaged in a conversation about what dessert they wanted to eat. Matt leant over and whispered to April. Jackson was fairly certain that Matt had whispered, "It doesn't matter. I still love you."

This was one hell of an awkward lunch. He should have taken the out that April had given him and stayed at the hospital.

Mrs. Kepner turned to him and said, "We've been so rude. We got so caught up in the excitement of meeting our future son-in-law that we've been practically neglecting you. April tells us you have a girlfriend. Any future wedding plans for you?"

Jackson shook his head. "We're not really at that stage in the relationship yet." He really didn't want to have this conversation with the parents of the only woman he had been close to marrying.

Standing up, he shook Mr. Kepner's hand. "Thanks for lunch Mr. and Mrs. Kepner. I hate to leave but I need to get started on my pre-op."

Stepping behind April, he gently squeezed her shoulder. Kissing her on the cheek, he said, "I should have told you this earlier, but congratulations. I'm really happy for you."

He was halfway back to the hospital when he realized that he'd lied to April. He wasn't happy for her. Not in the least.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters.**

**A/N: I'm looking for a beta. I enjoy writing stories but I really dislike the editing/revising process. If anyone would like to help me out, I would appreciate it. I write mostly for GA, but I do have a Pride and Prejudice story that I'm working on. I'd like someone who is very thorough and can give helpful suggestions. I often struggle with how to word a sentence so if you're good at that sort of thing, I'd love your help. Please PM me if you're interested. BTW, thanks for all the reviews:)**

Jackson finally gave up tossing and turning, choosing to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling. He couldn't shake this feeling of uneasiness, of jealousy. He shouldn't be jealous. He had a great girlfriend sleeping next to him. Stephanie was great. She was really...great.

Mrs. Kepner's question about his future marriage plans still hung in his mind. Did he want to get married? Yes, eventually. With Stephanie? He liked her. He did. But he wasn't in love with her.

No, Stephanie had come around when his heart had been torn to shreds by April. Stephanie had stroked and soothed his ego by telling him how handsome and fit he was, what a fantastic surgeon he was, how good he was in bed and the list went on and on. April had never said any of that. The compliments she had given him were forced out of her and usually given when they were arguing. Telling him that it felt good and that he was like a forbidden, fattening dessert weren't his idea of great compliments.

His relationship with April had been so complicated. He was never sure where he stood with her. She wasn't the best at communicating her feelings. Remembering her "We all have stuff we don't talk about" speech, he realized what a private person she really was. Heck, he had been her friend for years without knowing she went to church.

No, he'd decided months ago that it was best to end things with her. He'd been hurt badly before and didn't want to repeat the experience with his best friend. It was better for him to end things while he could still walk away.

Even though he'd been the one to end things, he'd found it incredibly hard to stay away from her after the first month they had broken up. He remembered the month before Bailey's wedding as a month of endless frustration. He couldn't look at April without thinking about what she looked like without her clothes. They were trying to go back to being just friends but he couldn't really focus when she talked. He was usually too busy staring at her mouth. That month had been hell. Then, she'd suggested they take dates to the wedding. After that, he'd had Stephanie to help him with his frustration.

That wasn't completely true. There were times when he still desired April. Last month was a prime example. April had just lost a patient who she'd become emotionally attached to. She'd rambled on about how the patient and her husband were fated to be together, then had dissolved into tears. For the first time in months, April had leaned on him, needing his support. He knew it was wrong and had felt a twinge of guilt, but nothing had been so sweet as the feel of her in his arms again. Resting his head against hers, smelling the scent of her hair, holding her - that had been the first time he'd felt truly at peace in months. Then, she'd lifted her head and her eyes slowly dropped from his eyes to his mouth. His heart had started beating twice as fast. His eyes had lowered to her lips too. Then, just as quick as the moment had come, it was gone. Karev had to butt in as usual. Jackson knew without a doubt that if they hadn't been interrupted it was unlikely that he'd be sleeping next to Stephanie right now. But they had, April skipped off to see her paramedic and he hadn't really talked to her since then. There'd been that one other time, but he didn't want to think about that.

Jackson got out of bed to get a drink of water. The more he thought about him and April, the more upset he became. He'd always been there for her, protected her, been her shoulder to cry on, and she was just going to move on like they never happened? He hadn't been this upset since she'd returned from Ohio and had wanted to revirginize and forget that they'd ever happened. Months later, she was still trying to do that. She pretended that they hadn't almost kissed a month ago. She pretended that Matt was enough for her emotionally when the truth was, he was the only one who would ever get her. What hurt the most was that she pretended that they hadn't mattered to each other, that they hadn't started to plan a future together. She pretended that she loved Matt, when she clearly loved...who? Him? Jackson shook his head, turned on the faucet and splashed some water on his face. He was becoming delusional. He had absolutely zero evidence that she loved him. His thinking was based on what? An almost kiss a month ago? Besides, he had a girlfriend. He shouldn't even be thinking about April. Putting his glass in the sink, he headed back to bed.

* * *

April's eyes were closed but her mind was racing. The visit from her parents had gone well. They seemed to love Matt. If only, Jackson hadn't gone to lunch with them. He always made everything awkward. He made her think things that she shouldn't think, especially as an engaged woman. Her only experiences with sex were with him and memories always seemed to creep back into her mind whenever he was around. She'd been mesmerized by watching him lick his lips after taking a bite of food. She remembered those lips and just how talented they were. He was quite skilled at using his lips, his tongue, his hands, his hips, his...

"Stop it," she said aloud, willing the memories to go away.

She had a fiancé, a very caring, wonderful fiancé. Her thoughts should be about him not Jackson. Her first time should have been with him. She'd told him that when she'd finally gotten up the courage to tell him she was no longer a virgin. He'd been understanding although he'd seemed a little hurt. What she hadn't told him was who she'd lost her virginity to. He'd somehow figured that out on his own. He'd brought it up this evening after her parents had left.

"It was Jackson wasn't it?" Matt asked.

"What?" April looked at him, confounded.

"He was your first, wasn't he?"

April sighed and nodded. "Yes, he was. How did you know?"

"I've been wondering for a while, but you looked over at him at lunch when your mom mentioned the whole waiting for sex thing."

He was right. She had. "It's not a big deal. We're just friends. I don't have any feelings for him anymore."

"But you did once?"

"Yes, but not now."

Matt smiled and kissed her. "Good."

Lying restless in bed hours later, April's guilty feelings couldn't be assuaged. She'd lied to Matt. Her feelings for Jackson hadn't disappeared. Her biggest fear was that they never would.


End file.
